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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.................
Things to ponder.............mmmmmmmmm
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you ay the paint is wet?
Why dosn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why dosn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when matresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the fridge with hopes that something new has appeared to eat?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolley, then apologises for doing so, why do we say "its all right?". Well it isn't all right so why don't we say "that hurt, you stupid idiot!?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else off?
In winter why do we try to keep the house warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-Law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!
Interesting or what?
In the 1400's, a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen only...Ladies Forbidden".... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed on prime time tv was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better.
Coca-Cola used to be green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the us any given hour is 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel written on a typewriter - Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemange
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Ceaser
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle, if the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle and if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter'A'?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers and laser printers all have in commen?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that dosn't spoil?
A. Honey
In Shakespear's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...."goodnight, sleep tight".
It was accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son in law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts ....so in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "mind your pints and quarts and settle down". Its where we get the phrase "mind your p's & q's.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refil, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
*********AND FINALLY MY FAVOURITE*****
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
*****INFORMATION RELEASE*********
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England, the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.
For this reason, as from the middle of May 2006, those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:-
- overtaking in dangerous places
- hovering within one inch of the car in front
- stopping sharply
- speeding in residential areas
- pulling out without indication
- performing u turns inappropriately in busy high streets
- under taking on motorways and
- taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads.
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians. Those drivers who have shown particular poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.
Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised the Lord dosn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
I think animal testing is a bad idea. They all get nervous and give the wrong answers.
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about and hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to leave. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you but don't start anything".
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. "Pint please and one for the road".
PETER KAY THEORIES ON EVERYDAY STUFF...........
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Your never quite sure if it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculater.
6) Reading when your drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife is really manly.
8) Your never sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Everyone who has just read no. 5 has just typed it into a calculator.
10) Nobody ever dares to make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) It is impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden always turns up a ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking a horse.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrasing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and standing on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood for stirring paint.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering message - "If you want to buy marajuana, press the hash key".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
I went to buy some camoflauge trousers the other day but couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No the steaks are too high".
My friend drowned in a bowl of museli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "doctor, doctor I can't feel my legs!". The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week....and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a Kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home". "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?". "It's not unusual".
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?". "Well", says the vet, "lets have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down". "What, because he is cross-eyed?". "No because he is really heavy".
Two elephants walk off a cliff....boom boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "can you give me a lift?". I said, "sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it".
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round". The other one says, "so are you fat boy".
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complemented me on my driving the other day. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'parking fine'. So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there again".
Irelands worst air disaster occured early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetry. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
